Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
 

I brake for no apparent reason
 

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal

He who laughs last thinks slowest
 

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

I love cats...they taste just like chicken

If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
 

No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Two wrongs are only the beginning

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

A fool and his money are soon partying

Always try to be modest.
And be damn proud of it!

$$$ Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments

Don't sweat petty things....
....or pet sweaty things

Change is inevitable....
...except from vending machines

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Death to all fanatics!

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Chastity is curable, if detected early

Don't be sexist;
broads hate that!

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

Beware of geeks bearing gifs

Half the people you know are below average

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good

If at first you don't succeed,
then skydiving definitely isn't for you...

The more people I meet,
                the more I like my dog

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot

Born free...Taxed to death

Rehab is for quitters

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

All men are idiots, and I married their King

Sometimes I wake up grumpy;
                             Other times I let him sleep

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician

Work is for people who don't know how to fish

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition

Sorry, I don't date outside my species

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges

I took an IQ test and the results were negative

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

i souport publik edekashun.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?