2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 

Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed

at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as "Just as great

as dis [sic] city of ours." 
The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that 
each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist. 

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 

From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 

Here is a sample program: 
LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 
IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 
VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 
FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 
DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 
BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 
SURE 
LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 
REALLY 
LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 
IM*SURE 
GOTO THE MALL 

When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 
GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 

This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to the more intense

atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could 
survive there because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier. 
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case. For example, 
LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message: "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can you find the time to try it again?" 

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE 

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological 
Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you 
arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other 
languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP 

This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in 
protheththing lithtth. 

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL 

SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL 
compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a 
SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE 

Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE

programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. 

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- 

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a 
"low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect,

it is very similar to COBOL. 

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #19 -- FIFTH 

FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH 
(hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, 
VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, 
while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this 
language. 

A woman called the Canon Help Desk about a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'.
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term, sir. I don't believe it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in 
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my 
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine.  I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.

And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and laughing, quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.  Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a 
young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes, he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F 1 key over twenty minutes ago!"

(Sung to the music of "If I only had a brain" from the Wizard of Oz)

When yer computer's in the toilet,
and all attempts to fix are foil-ed,
though you try and try a-gaaaaain...
Better call us for service,
'cause w know that you're nervous
and you just don't have a braaaaain!

When your com port is un-know-un,
better get us on the phow-un,
'cause you know it's just germaaaaane:
you don't know from shinola,
you never did what we tol' ya',
and we wish you had a braaaaain!

Yeah, yer' typin's a disaster,
the computer is yer master,
and reading, you disdaaaaain.
The man-u-als, they snow you
and in spite of all we show you,
just your ignorance remaaaaains.

You don't know what the hell yer' doin',
and it's drivin' us to ruin,
my God!, you're such a paaaaain!
You talk when you should listen,
and into the wind you're pissin',
oh, we wish you had a braaaaain!

At tech support, we're here for helpin',
so siddown and quit yer yelpin',
while we're tryin' to explaaaaain.
Please don't futz with your system,
I'm not askin', I'm insistin',
'cause you just don't have a braaaaain!

Well, your mind's like cookie batter,
there's an absence of grey matter,
so this is our refraaaaain:
We could make your system work,
and not a duty would we shirk,
if you only had a braaaaain!

It's our job, we try to help ya'
though at times we'd like to belt ya',
'cause you're drivin' us insaaaaane!
But as long as they keep payin' us,
we'll be here, although it's heinous,
and we wish ... you'd ... get ... a ...
braa-ee-yaaee-yaaee-yaaee-yain!

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great, Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-450, with 128 Megs of RAM, a 10 Gig hard drive, and a 40X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I'm here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you're a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know . . .
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then . . .
Costello: No, I told you I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button . . .
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop?
Abbott: Well, Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbott: Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press . . .
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye

David Letterman, April 23, 1997

10. Named his hamsters "I" "B" "M"

9. Every day after school, eats his weight in silicon chips 'n' salsa

8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat look just like
David Duchovny

7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus

6. Refers to having sex as "Logging On"

5. His name: Carl. His Nickname: "Carpal Tunnel Carl"

4. During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel

3. He calls you "WWW.DADDY.COM"

2. Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill Gates

1. 2 Words: "Cyber Acne"

10. You have a plaque in your home that says "homepage sweet homepage."

9. You put on a wet suit to surf the net.

8. You lied to your friends and told them you cleaned your windows last
weekend but you actually cleaned your monitor screen to see Windows.

7. You wear condoms on all your fingers when you use your computer so
that you don't catch a computer virus.

6. You go to the rodeo to see all the "Yahoos" everyone talks about.

5. You pick Microsoft over Charmin because you think it's softer.

4. You keep your cat outside so it won't eat your mouse.

3. You get mad at the waiter because he hands you a menu with appetizers
instead of a "Start" menu then the menu.

2. You listen to Led on your CD-ROM when your creating a Top Ten List.
Ha! Ha!

1. You choose Internet over Intercourse!

One of those "Dear Jen" letters...

Dear Jenny,
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get
the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and
explain.

It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten-year-old
boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual
camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire, you
know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan
knot tying. We tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he
went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans
and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of
his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot
down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't
know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.

These are some of my little Billy's letters.

Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time
to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
**

Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all
get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way,
can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's
time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell
checked, too.
**

Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the
glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much
of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer
screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us
weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
**

Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real
funny.
He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more
money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes.
I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to
people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
**

Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I
haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any
computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less
than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how.
Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't
call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, Bill.
**

Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody
wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I
thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some
money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've
paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, Bill.
**

Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True... physically I am only ten years
old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember,
I can make your life miserable (i.e. the bank, credit bureau, and
government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again, and
this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
Sincerely, Bill.
****

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy.
What can I do, Jenny? I know that it's probably too late to save my
little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD
from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.

Thank you very much,
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.

It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that
says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as
well as the Geneva Convention and the UN Charter and the Secret Membership
Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms
and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem
necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home
and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer
if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation
indivisible, By the dawn's early light, ... finders keepers, losers
weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your
servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "[Name of
child), please install this on my computer,"

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program
will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it
inoperable. Is it OK with you?

Choose one, and be honest:

+--------+ +---------+
| YES | | SURE |
+--------+ +---------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for
a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in
there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures,
so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an
entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the
installation program will create many new directories, subdirectories,
sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of
mysterious files with names like "puree. Exe," "fester. Dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
the following message: CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot
think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may
now attempt to run your software.


If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately

!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&


11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than
the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you,
in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged)... =

The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.  A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soapy water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and and invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.   It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller
had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the
third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the
disk and wondered why there were problems.

Hello! Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.
Do you feel like doing your taxes today?

I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After
all, it is April 9th. You have less than 7 days to file. And who
knows? Maybe you'll get a refund.

That's the spirit! Let's begin with your name, address, and
marital status.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down --
That alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough
financial times!

Please don't cry. The economy's bound to bounce back. In the
meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children?

Wow! I hope they're not all in college. Do you have any other
dependents?

Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend.

I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let's move on to income.
What were your wages in 1997?

You are having a bad go of it, aren't you? But at least you're
getting the Unemployment Benefits max.

I'm afraid your Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The
government giveth and the government taketh away. Hey, don't
blame me! I'm just the messenger.

Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital
gains?

Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side.
If you don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it.

Please don't exit. It was just a joke. I don't suppose you were able
to sock anything away into an IRA? I didn't mean to insult you; I'm
just doing my job. They make me ask about IRAs and Keogh Plans too.

Okay, okay. I get the point. You're broke. So let's go over your
deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund. And
speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non-reimbursed
medical expenses.

That's great -- a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low
that most of it will be deductible! Let's move on to your state income
taxes and real estate taxes.

Boy, those state taxes can really take a bite, eh? But that huge
mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund. What?
You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame.
But I thought you said you didn't have any capital gains.

You sold it at a loss? Really? So tell me -- Do you think housing
is going to drop any further? One of my other users is looking to buy.

You're absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing
to say. I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the
bugs out.

Let's go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage
interest?

I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. But you
may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software!

Hey, now. Don't get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion.
Anyway, it's time to list your charitable contributions. I know you
can't afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway.
Everybody does it, and it's impossible to check.

Good. Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any
unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?

That's pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers
and I'll take it from there.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?

I'm sorry, I don't really have time to listen about your divorce
anymore. What I meant was, did you have any other income or
expenses? Fine. Now why don't you rest for a second, so I can
do some quick calculations.

I have good news. You're entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like
to apply it to your 1998 tax?

I beg your pardon? They don't pay me enough to listen to that
kind of language!

   

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't
connect. I don't know what is wrong.


July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?


July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.


July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.


July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks
who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications
software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack
holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the
phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy,
are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.


July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. I'm confused.


July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he
is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.


July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.


July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because
I'm connected to America Online not usenet.


July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital
letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital
letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.


JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT
WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT
A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS
ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM
I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD
AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.


AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT
IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.


AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS
JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER
SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE
TIMES.


AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW
SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.


AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS
RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22
MORE TIMES.


AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO
USE PROFANITY.


AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?


August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it?
Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.


August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so
exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions
and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.


August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I
will have to work on it some more.


August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a
few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face
of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.


August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about
something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked
and looked but I can't find that group.


August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask
the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my
house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework.
So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of
humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken
joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts
about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.


August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include
my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will
want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add
that short story I like.


August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.
I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

Windows, that is... PC's... Internet...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he packed up his disks and moved to Silicon Valley...

Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him lots of donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is... unpaid... no personal days...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking pretty bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him 66!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20.User Error: Replace user.

21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -- 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which), of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

4. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe,  moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

5. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison -- this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

6. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance -- this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) will be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion -- If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Author Unknoown

Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has successfully brought
a generation of products from Acme Toaster Corp's engineering labs to
market. Bob is a wonder of mechanical ingenuity. All of us in the design
department have the utmost respect for him, so I was honored when he
appointed me the lead designer on the new Acme 2000 Toaster.

Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and the marketing vice
president today to hammer out the project's requirements and
specifications. Here at Acme, our market share is eroding to low-cost
imports. We agreed to meet a cost of goods of $9.50 (100,000). I've
identified the critical issue in the new design: a replacement for the
timing spring we've used since the original 1922 model. Research with the
focus groups shows that consumers set high expectations for their breakfast
foods. Cafe latte from Starbuck's goes best with a precise
level of toastal browning. The Acme 2000 will give our customers the
breakfast experience they desire. I estimated a design budget of $21,590
for this project and final delivery in seven weeks. I'll need one assistant
designer to help with the drawing packages. This is my first chance to
supervise!

Day 23: We've found the ideal spring material. Best of all, it's a
well-proven technology. Our projected cost of goods is almost $1.50
lowerthan our goal. Our rough prototype, which was completed just 12 days
after we started, has been servicing the employee cafeteria for a week
without a single hiccup. Toastal quality exceeds projections.

Day 24: A major aerospace company that had run out of defense contractors
to acquire has just snapped up that block of Acme stock sold to the
Mackenzie family in the '50s. At a companywide meeting, corporate assured
us that this sale was only an investment and that nothing will change.

Day 30: I showed the Acme 2000's exquisitely crafted toastal-timing
mechanism to Ms. Primrose, the new engineering auditor. The single spring
and four interlocking lever arms are things of beauty to me.

Day 36: The design is complete. We're starting a prototype run of 500
toasters tomorrow. I'm starting to wrap up the engineering effort. My new
assistant did a wonderful job.

Day 38: Suddenly, a major snag happened. Bob called me into his office. He
seemed very uneasy as he informed me that those on high feel that the Acme
2000 is obsolete -- something about using springs in the silicon age.

I reminded Bob that the consultants had looked at using a microprocessor
but figured that an electronic design would exceed our cost target by
almost 50% with no real benefit in terms of
toastal quality. "With a computer, our customers can load the bread the
night before, program a finish time, and get a perfect slice of toast when
they awaken," Bob intoned, as if reading from a script.

Day 48: Bill Compguy, the new microprocessor whiz, scrapped my idea of
using a dedicated 4-bit CPU. "We need some horsepower if we're gonna
program this puppy in C," he said, while I stared fascinated at the old
crumbs stuck in his wild beard. "Time-to-market, you know. Delivery is due
in three months. We'll just pop this cool new 8-bitter I found into it,
whip up some code, and ship to the end user."

Day 120: The good news is that I'm getting to stretch my mechanical-design
abilities. Bill convinced management that the old spring-loaded, press-down
lever control is obsolete. I've
designed a "motorized insertion port," stealing ideas from a CD-ROM drive.
Three cross-coupled, safety-interlock microswitches ensure that the heaters
won't come on unless users properly insert the toast. We're seeing some
reliability problems due to the temperature extremes, but I'm sure we can
work those out.

Day 132: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We've
replaced the 8-bitter with a Harvard-architecture, 16-bit, 3-MIPS CPU.

Day 172: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.

Day 194: The auditors convinced management we really need a graphical user
interface with a full-screen LCD. "You're gonna need some horsepower to
drive that," Bill warned us. "I recommend a 386 with a half-meg of RAM."
He went back to design Revision J of the pc board.

Day 268: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We've cured
most of the electronics' temperature problems with a pair of fans, though
management is complaining about the noise. Bob sits in his office all day,
door locked, drinking Jack Daniels. Like clockwork, his wife calls every
night around midnight, sobbing. I'm worried about him and mentioned my
concern to Chuck. "Wife?" he asked. "Wife? Yeah, I think I've got one of
those and two or three kids, too. Now, let's just stick another meg of RAM
in here, OK?"

Day 290: We gave up on the custom GUI and are now installing Windows CE.
The auditors applauded Bill's plan to upgrade to a Pentium with 32 Mbytes
of RAM. There's still no functioning code, but the toaster is genuinely
impressive. Four circuit boards, bundles of cables,
and a gigabit of hard-disk space. "This sucker has more computer power
than the entire world did 20 years ago," Bill boasted proudly.

Day 384: Toastal quality is sub-par. The addition of two more cooling fans
keeps the electronics to a reasonable temperature but removes too much heat
from the toast. I'm struggling with baffles to vector the air, but the
thrust of all these fans spins the toaster around.

Day 410: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We switched
>From C++ to Java. "That'll get them pesky memory-allocation bugs, for
sure," Bill told his team of 15 programmers. This approach seems like a
good idea to me, because Java is platform-independent, and there are rumors
circulating that we're porting to a SPARCstation.

Day 530: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. I mastered
the temperature problems by removing all of the fans and the heating
elements. The Pentium is now thermally bonded to the toast. We found a
thermal grease that isn't too poisonous. Our marketing people
feel that the slight degradation in taste from the grease will be more than
compensated for by the "toasting experience that can only come from a
CISC-based, 32-bit multitasking machine running the latest multiplatform
software."

Day 610: The product shipped. It weighs 72 lb and costs $325. Bill was
promoted to CEO

10: You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9: He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8: When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7: Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6: Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5: Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".

4: Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3: His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2: For his welcome voice on AOL, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President".

1: You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa now, Professor I- Don't-Give- A's-In-Computer-Science!"

An ambitious computer tech finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life -- at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived.

How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware -- how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know...."

She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean. . .," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

by Mike Popovic <carpediem@locnet.com>

10. The computer keeps asking you to "Insert Setup Disk #3 to continue."

9. There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.

8. The computer refuses to interact with the Mir's "Mr. Java" coffeemaker.

7. Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900#.

6. Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite's computers to keep their system running.

5. The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since "the proper driver cannot be found."

4. The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life support, the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.

3. The astronauts spend three days looking for Cyrillic version of the CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.

2. Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror.

1. You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg

   

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
*your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your
neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap
back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to
type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

   

Monday
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, Well, it works for me. Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

8:14am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message Error accessing Drive 0. Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The Myst and Doom nationals are this weekend!

11:34am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00pm
Lunch

3:30pm
Return from lunch.

3:55pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.

4:23pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form.  Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

Tuesday
8:30am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy.  Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database! I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form.  Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID.  Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight.  Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's Reengineering for Customer Partnership I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell Omigod -- Fire!

1:15pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for Notice Loads or NoLoad Goats, she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably Lettuce Nodes. Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
8:30am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking Bitset, not chipset. Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00am
Lunch.

4:55pm
Return from lunch.

5:00pm
Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
8:00am
New guy (Marvin) started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him Server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

8:45am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. Nice plaids Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves (Always have backups). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: Whereas all new employees beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide substance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift. Marvin doubts. I point to Corporate Policy database (a fine piece
of work, if I say so myself!). Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers! I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
8:00am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call telecommunications.

9:30am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. So hard to get good help... I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. No problem!

11:30am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff I tell him.

12:00am
Lunch.

1:00pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.

1:03pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT- DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to 2 in help databases.

4:30pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a Edit -- Select All, hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend. Cheers

   

Militia Virus: wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC.

Pro-Choice Virus: Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.

Lyle And Eric Menendez Virus: wipes out your motherboard, claiming it was done in self-defense.

Bill Clinton Virus: causes your PC to behave unpredictably, working as expected one moment, then suddenly doing the exact opposite the next moment.

Politically Correct Virus: rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".

National Organization of Women (NOW) Virus: forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections.

Republican Virus: sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.

Democrat Virus: doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".

National Education Assoc. (NEA) Virus: although cleverly disguised as educational software intended to improve your system, in reality it "dumbs down" your 486DX into an 8086.

Jocelyn Elders Virus: teaches your computer to turn itself on.

LAPD Virus: attempts to stop your CPU. If your CPU resists, it is pummeled into hamburger.

Jack Kevorkian Virus: assists your CPU in destroying itself.

Ross Perot Virus: This erratic virus doesn't do much of anything, except surfacing occasionally to threaten to disrupt your system.

1- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2- When you get to the point where your eally understand your computer, then it's probably obsolete.

3- The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4- When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5- For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction

6- To err is human... to really screw things up royally requires a computer.

7- He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8- A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

9- The No. 1 cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

10- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

You can't tell the difference between emacs and Big Macs.

You desperately search the keyboard for the "any" key.

You think FDISK means "fix disk".

You feel the need to express to your system administrator your moral objections to killing a process.

You think the coaxial connector on the back of an ethernet card is for hooking up cable TV on your monitor.

You have ever in your life crashed a Speak & Spell.

You can't use your keyboard because the keys are stuck together due to dried-up Coca Cola.

You have to have your 14-year old son install "Surfwatch" for you.

Your signature file consists of the following: your name, your nickname, your e-mail address, an ASCII art of Homer Simpson, your favorite chapter from War and Peace, a UUENCODED Windows bitmap of your puppy.

You drop your hard drive on the ground to test how hard it is.

You wonder why your 5¼ floppy drive can't play your CD.

You've ever tried to use a mouse as a foot pedal.

Your system administrator has a wanted poster with your picture on it in his office.

You own "Microsoft Bob For Dummies".

You think that UNIX was named after victims of Lorena Bobbitt.

You go to a computer store, see some SCSI hard drives, and ask the salesman why he doesn't sell any "clean" hard drives.

Your computer gets a virus and you take it to the emergency room.

You try to make the mouse pointer go up the screen by rising your arm in the air while holding the mouse in your hand.

You post an article on Usenet, and you aren't sure if the article went through, so you post it thirty more times.

You think your disk isn't magnetic because you held a magnet up to it and it didn't stick.

Your computer is broken and you try to jump-start it with your car.

You send an e-mail message to five of your friends, telling they to each send you five dollars, and for each of them to get five people to sent them five dollars.

You think you can better promote your company on Usenet by posting your ad to every single newsgroup... Repeatedly.

You think Ping is the Internet version of Pong.

You think a Pentium is something used in a Satanic ritual.

Your idea of file compression is backing over your disk with a car.

You think ROT13 is *the* state of the art, bulletproof encryption scheme.

You check your 100-megabyte Zip disk for teeth marks.

You think Sanford Wallace is a pioneer of Internet commerce.

You attempt to stuff a Nintendo cartridge into an ISA slot.

Your admin moved your home directory to /dev/null.

Your computer displays "Insert disk 3" on the screen, but you've only managed to fit two in.

Your CD-ROM drive tray serves as a drink holder.

1. Describe your problem:
    ________________________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
    ________________________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
    ________________________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

   A. Minor__
   B. Minor__
   C. Minor__
   D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

   A. Locked Up__
   B. Frozen__
   C. Hung__
   D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in?   Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on?   Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?   Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse?   Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you?   Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse?  Yes__

12. Have you read the manual?   Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual?   Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?   No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?   Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
     __________________________________________________________
     __________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
     __________________________________________________________
     __________________________________________________________

l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?
     __________________________________________________________
     __________________________________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?    Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?   Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'?    Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?   Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work?   Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?   Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?   Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire?   Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me?   Yes__

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