Many, many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be,
This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!!
Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first
kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous."
The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake
up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
| The chase |
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and
he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in
his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the
race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally,
as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He
pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want
to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a
police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that
officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
| The Phone Call |
A man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather
nervous wife.
They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.
The man rolls over and answered...
"Hello?"
"What?"
"How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."
He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?"
"Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"
| Awoke |
A married couple awoke early one Sunday morning to find
their young
daughter standing at bedside. As was customary, she had eagerly delivered
the morning paper to her parents' room. However, this particular morning,
she had brought more than just the morning paper. Proudly, she handed both
her mother and her father their personal coffee mugs, grinning with pride
at her resourcefulness and thoughtfulness. As they each thankfully took
their mugs, they found not coffee, but six little green plastic army men,
carefully arranged in each. Curious, her Mother asked the obvious. Beaming
with pride at having gone to such lengths to brighten her parents' morning,
the young girl replied, "Mommy, everybody knows that ... the best part of
waking up, is soldiers in your cup."
| Thoughts on Marriage |
While my own marriage is good, (my wife constantly reminds
me of this) there are many out there who do not think so.
Here are their few words on marriage . . . .
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!!!)
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are
attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the women gets
her Master.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
Marriage is not just having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS"
-The Engagement Ring
-The Wedding Ring
-The Suffe-Ring
-The Endu-Ring
Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration:
-in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
-in the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
-in the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends....You order what
you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true; all men are born free and equal - but some of them get married
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A
year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
Son :Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries?
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.
There was a man who said "I never knew what happiness was until I got married... and
then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage
it is self defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks
happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who told his love that he would go through hell for her. They got
married - and now he is going through HELL!
| MOM'S BROWNIES |
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's
tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call
operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Jr. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved
cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run
away.
FROSTING
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped
out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front
door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
| Psychiatric Hotline |
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline:
 | If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, Press 1 repeatedly |
| If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 |
| If you have Multiple Personalities, please press 3,4, 5, and 6 |
| If you are Paranoid-Delusional, We know who you are and what you want; Just stay on the line so we can Trace the Call |
| If you are Schizophrenic, Listen carefully a little voice will tell you which number to press |
| If you are Manic-Depressant, it doesn't matter Which number you press, No one will answer! |
| ADOLESCENCE |
The age between pigtails and cocktails.
The age between puberty and adultery.
The age when a boy stops collecting stamps and starts playing post office.
The age when a child tries to bring up his parents.
The age when a girl's voice changes from NO to YES.
The age when boys begin to notice that girls notice boys who notice girls.
The age when children begin to question the answers.
The time when children feel that their parents should be told the facts of life.
The wonderful age when boys discover girls and girls discover they have been discovered.
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit", said God.
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance In this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons
think seriously about are beer, loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread
out over four years; you spend the rest of the time drinking, sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
1.Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
2.Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - --osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells .
After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.
This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts.
I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:
1. ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
2. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
3. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
4. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific - sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between
groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get large government
grants.
Excuses For Missing School |
These are actual excuse notes from parents (Including
original spelling) Collected by Nisheeth Parekh University of Texas Medical Branch @
Galveston
* My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute
him.
* Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
* Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,31,32, and also 33.
* Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
* Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and
misplaced his hip.
* John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing
part.
* Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
* Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
* Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
* Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
* Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
* Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
* Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
* I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what
size she wear.
* Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper
off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
* Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
* My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the
Marines.
* Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
* Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
* Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
* Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
* Maryann was absent December 11 16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and
upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low
grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There
must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get
enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at down they tear off a piece
and when he returns home at evening they have another go before and after supper and maybe
a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day: the fields are a long way
from the house and the young man loses so much time traveling home and back again at noon
that he decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do.
"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take your rifle
out with you every day don't you? Well when you feel like you're in the mood for some
lovin' just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you.
That way you won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day though the doctor
stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very
morose.
"What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?"
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot
like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and do it after
which Beckie'd go back home."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since the
huntin' season got started!"
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