1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.  Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

 
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works

1."Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."
2.$HOME = /dev/null.
3.3K RAM free, no EMS.
4.A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
5.A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
6.A brain like a BB in a boxcar.
7.A couplet short of a sonnet.
8.A day late and a dollar short.
9.A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
10.A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
11.A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
12.A few bricks short of a wall / hod.
13.A few clowns short of a circus.
14.A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.
15.A few open splices.
16.A few peas short of a pod/casserole.
17.A few pickles short of a jar.
18.A few pies short of a holiday.
19.A few planes short of an Air Force.

20.A few revisions behind.
21.A few sandwiches/apples short of a picnic.
22.A few screws loose.
23.A few spoons short of a full set.
24.A few straws shy of a bale.
25.A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
26.A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
27.A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
28.A few volts below threshold.
29.A few yards short of the hole.
30.A flower short of an arrangement.
31.A flying buttress short of a cathedral.
32.A handle short of a suitcase.
33.A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
34.A lap behind the field.
35.A little light in his loafers.
36.A looney tune.
37.A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
38.A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
39.A notch off the timing mark.

40.A one-bit brain with a parity error.
41.A pane short of a window.
42.A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
43.A prime candidate for natural deselection.
44.A quart low.
45.A return with no gosub.
46.A room temperature IQ.
47.A semitone flat on the high notes.
48.A signature short of a book.
49.A sleeve/button short of a shirt.
50.A span short of a bridge.
51.A square with only three sides.
52.A teabag short of a pot.
53.A teapot with a cracked lid.
54.A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
55.A tower short of a castle.
56.A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
57.A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
58.A victim of retroactive birth control.
59.A violin minus the bow.
60.A wind-up clock without a key.

61.Airhead / bubble-brain.
62.All booster, no payload.
63.All crown, no filling.
64.All hammer, no nail.
65.All hat and no cattle.
66.All his eggs in the same basket.
67.All missile, no warhead.
68.All shot, no powder.
69.All the lights don't shine in her marquee.
70.All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap.
71.All wax and no wick.
72.Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
73.Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
74.An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
75.An Apple //e on UUCP.
76.An early example of the Peter Principle.
77.An ego like a black hole.
78.An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
79.An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.

80.An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
81.An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
82.Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
83.As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
84.As happy as if he had brains.
85.As quick as a corpse.
86.As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / bowl of Jello / mashed
potato sandwich, and twice as smart.
87.As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
88.As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
89.As smart as bait.
90.As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
91.As thick as two short planks.
92.Attic's a little dusty.
93.Back burners not fully operating.
94.Bad spot on the disk.
95.Bats in the belfry.
96.Batteries not included.
97.Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
98.Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
99.Been short on oxygen one time too many.

100.Been using her head as a mass driver.
101.Blew his O-rings.
102.Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
103.Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.
104.Blown/leaking head gasket.
105.Born a day late and like that ever since.
106.Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
107.Born ugly and built to last.
108.Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
109.Brain transplant donor.
110.Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
111.Bright as Alaska in December.
112.Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
113.Bubbles in her think tank.
114.Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
115.Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
116.Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
117.Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
118.Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
119.Carries a tire gauge in her purse.

120.Cauliflower for brains.
121.Charming as a carbuncle.
122.Cheezwiz for brains.
123.Chimney's clogged.
124.Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
125.Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
126.Contributes to the population problem.
127.Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
128.Couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
129.CPU not connected to the bus.
130.Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
131.Cranio-rectally inverted.
132.Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
133.Defective hard drive / boot sector.
134.Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
135.Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
136.Does aerobics... in his head.
137.Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
138.Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.
139.Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.

140.Doesn't have both oars in the water.
141.Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
142.Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
143.Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
144.Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
145.Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
146.Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
147.Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
148.Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
149.Donated her body to scientists... before she was done using it.
150.Downhill skiing in Iowa.
151.Driving with two wheels in the sand.
152.Dropped his second stage too soon.
153.Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a stump / a sack of hammers.
154.Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
155.During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
156.Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
157.Echoes between the ears.
158.Eight pawns short of a gambit.
159.Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.

160.Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
161.End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
162.Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.
163.Finds a flat by swapping tires.
164.Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
165.Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
166.Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
167.Flaky.
168.Flying/landing on one engine.
169.Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
170.Forgot to pay his brain bill.
171.Four bits shy of a full DEC.
172.Four cents short of a nickel.
173.Full throttle, dry tank.
174.Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
175.Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
176.Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
177.Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
178.Gets hypnotized on the despun section.
179.Goalie for the dart team.

180.Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
181.Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
182.Gyros are loose.
183.Had a head crash.
184.Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
185.Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
186.Has a few wait states.
187.Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
188.Has a leak in his ceiling.
189.Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
190.Has a slow clock.
191.Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
192.Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt.
193.Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
194.Has it floored in neutral.
195.Has no discretionary intellect.
196.Has no upper stage.
197.Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
198.Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
199.Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis.

200.Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
201.Has the brains of a house plant.
202.Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
203.Has the IQ of a salad bar / ice cube.
204.Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
205.Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
206.Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
207.Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
208.Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
209.Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
210.He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
211.He's diagnosable.
212.He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
213.He's so dense, light bends around him.
214.Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
215.Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
216.Her dialing thumb must be broken.
217.Her memory is truly random-access.
218.Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
219.Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.

220.Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
221.Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
222.Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
223.Her tires are a little low.
224.Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
225.His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings.
226.His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
227.His buffer is full.
228.His elevator is stuck between floors.
229.His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
230.His head whistles in a cross wind.
231.His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
232.His page was intentionally left blank.
233.His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
234.His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
235.His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
236.His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
237.His system administrator is never in.
238.Hyperspatially interconnected neural net.
239.I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.

240.If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
241.If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / the wax out of her ears.
242.If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
243.If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
244.If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
245.If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
246.If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
247.If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
248.If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
249.If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
250.If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
251.If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
252.If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
253.If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
254.If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
255.If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
256.If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
257.Impervious to brain damage.
258.In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.
259.In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".

260.In need of a ROM upgrade.
261.In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
262.Infinite space between her ears.
263.Informationally deprived.
264.Inspected by #13.
265.Intellectually challenged.
266.IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
267.IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
268.Isn't carrying a full set of golf clubs.
269.It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
270.Just another flash in the bedpan.
271.Knitting with only one needle.
272.Leaky sunroof.
273.Left hand threaded.
274.Left his booster on the launch pad.
275.Left the store without all of his groceries.
276.Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
277.Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
278.Lights are on but nobody's home.
279.Lights not burning too bright.

280.Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
281.Likes dunking for french fries.
282.Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
283.Lives in La-la-land.
284.Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
285.Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
286.Long on dry wall, short on studs.
287.Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
288.Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
289.Low on thinking gas.
290.Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
291.Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
292.Mainspring's wound too tight.
293.Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
294.Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
295.Metronome needs oil.
296.Mind like a steel sieve.
297.Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
298.Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
299.Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.

300.Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
301.Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
302.Needs another brain to make half-wit.
303.Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
304.Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
305.Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
306.Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
307.Nine pence in the shilling.
308.Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
309.No filter in the coffeemaker.
310.No grain in the silo.
311.No hay in the loft.
312.No one at the throttle.
313.No wind in her mind's windmills.
314.Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
315.Not done evolving yet.
316.Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
317.Not enough brains to get anywhere *near* the gutter.
318.Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
319.Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.

320.Not enough sense to stay out in the rain (like a 60's flower child).
321.Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
322.Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
323.Not hard-docked.
324.Not inflated to 90 PSI.
325.Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
326.Not running on full thrusters.
327.Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
328.Not the full quid.
329.Not the same since they took him off his medication.
330.Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
331.Not wrapped too tight.
332.Nothing between the stethoscopes.
333.Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
334.Nutty as a fruitcake.
335.Off his rocker.
336.On the batting end of a no-hitter.
337.On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
338.One bit short of a byte.
339.One board short of a porch.

340.One boot stuck in the sand.
341.One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
342.One bun/donut short of a dozen.
343.One card/marble shy of a full deck.
344.One chip short of a megabyte.
345.One drop short of an empty bladder.
346.One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
347.One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
348.One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
349.One node short of a network.
350.One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
351.One sentence short of a paragraph.
352.One shade short of a rainbow.
353.One shingle shy of a roof.
354.One ship short of a full fleet.
355.One side short of a pentagon.
356.One snowflake short of a ski slope.
357.One step short of the attic.
358.One taco short of a combination plate.
359.One tree short of a hammock.

360.One weight short of a shipwreck.
361.Only one oar in the water.
362.Only playing with 51 cards.
363.Only playing with the jokers.
364.Operating in stand-by mode.
365.Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
366.Out there where the buses don't run.
367.Over the rainbow.
368.Overdue for reincarnation.
369.Overruns above 110 baud.
370.Paged/swapped out.
371.Paralyzed from the neck up.
372.Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
373.Pedalling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
374.Permanently out to lunch.
375.Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
376.Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
377.Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
378.Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
379.Playing hockey with a warped puck.

380.Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
381.Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
382.Plays solitaire... for cash.
383.Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
384.Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
385.Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
386.Proof that evolution *can* go in reverse.
387.Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
388.Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
389.Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
390.Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle.
391.Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
392.Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
393.Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
394.Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
395.Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
396.Receiver is off the hook.
397.Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
398.Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
399.Reset line is glitching.

400.Result of a first cousin marriage.
401.Room for rent, unfurnished.
402.RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
403.Running at 300 baud.
404.Running on empty.
405.Running U.S. appliances on British current.
406.Runs squares around the competition.
407.Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
408.S p a c e d o u t .
409.Sailboat fuel for brains.
410.Sat under the ozone hole too long.
411.Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
412.Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
413.Several nuts short of a full pouch.
414.She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
415.Short a few cards.
416.Short-circuited between the earphones.
417.Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
418.Single-sided, low density.
419.Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
420.Skylight leaks a little.

421.Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
422.Slinky's kinked.
423.Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
424.Slow as molasses in January.
425.Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
426.So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
427.So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
428.So dumb, he faxes face up.
429.So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
430.So slow he has to speed up to stop.
431.So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
432.Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
433.Some Assembly Required.
434.Some bugs in his software.
435.Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
436.Some pages missing.
437.Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
438.Someone blew out his pilot light.
439.Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.

440.Someone let the air out of her lock.
441.Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
442.Source code is missing a few lines.
443.Strong like bull, smart like streetcar.
444.Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
445.Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
446.Surfing in Nebraska.
447.Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
448.Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
449.The butter slipped off his noodle.
450.The cheese slid off his cracker.
451.The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
452.The going got weird, and he turned pro.
453.The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
454.The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
455.The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
456.The two put together have an IQ over 150.
457.The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
458.There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
459.Thick as a brick.

460.Thinks at 5 baud.
461.Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
462.Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
463.thinks in lower case and types accordingly
464.Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
465.Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
466.Three chickens short of a henhouse.
467.Too many birds on her antenna.
468.Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
469.Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
470.Too much yardage between the goal posts.
471.Took the little bus to school.
472.Top paddock is full of rocks.
473.Toys in the attic.
474.Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
475.Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
476.Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
477.Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
478.Two bits shy of a word.
479.Two chapters short of a novel.

480.Two degrees off square.
481.Two inches taller than spherical.
482.Two saucers short of a tea-service.
483.Two sheep short of a sweater.
484.Two socks short of a pair.
485.Two suits short of a full deck (a half-wit).
486.Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
487.Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
488.Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
489.Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
490.Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
491.Useful as teats on a bull / boar-hog.
492.Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
493.Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
494.Vacancy on the top floor.
495.Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
496.Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
497.Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
498.Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
499.Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.

500.Wasn't strapped in during launch.
501.Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
502.Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
503.Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.
504.With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
505.Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
506.Zero K memory.

25. "Things I wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
24. Human Rights Advances in China
23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert
22. "The Book of Virtue" by Bill Clinton
21. "To all the Men I've Loved Before" Ellen DeGeneres
20. "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
19. "Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes"
18. Al Gore: The Wild Years
17. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
16. America's Most Popular Lawyers
15. Career Opportunities for History Majors
14. Detroit: A Travel Guide
13. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
12. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
11. East UNIX /* GCFL: come on! it's not that difficult!:-)*/
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everthing Men Know About Women
8. Everything Women Know About Men
7. French Hospitality to non-Francophones
6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
5. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book

and the Number One World's Shortest Book

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

1. Too much sun will give you skin cancer.
2. Going out would require wearing shoes, clothes, etc.
3. An icicle might fall on your head. Those things have been known to kill, you know.
4. You have to stay home and answer the phone. What if you get a call from one of those radio contests, or something?
5. You heard that there's a rabid kangaroo loose in the neighborhood.
6. One of those UFO's might land and you could get kidnapped by little green men who would perform horrible experiments on you, eventually turning you into a half-man/half-duck.
7. It's too windy. You might lose your hat.
8. You might run into your old roommate who's angry with you for having played all those tricks on him.
9. There's Injuns in them woods.
10. You might walk into a church where there's a wedding going on, and you're hardly dressed for the occassion.
11. If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and inquire about the thirteen overdue books that were destroyed in the fire.
12. If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and inquire about the thirteen overdue books that weren't destroyed in the fire.
13. There might be a flood, and you just ate, and you're supposed to wait an hour after eating before you go swimming.
14. You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking dog.
15. You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking squirrel.
16. There are kids outside playing baseball, and you wouldn't want to get beaned by a foul ball.
17. Women/men find you irresistible and you don't have a stick to fight them off with.
18. You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen on "America's Most Wanted."
19. You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen on "American Gladiators."
20. There's a hole in the ozone layer letting dangerous ultra-violet light through it and there's a greenhouse effect and, oh, never mind. It's too cold to go out.
21. You've watched too many "Road-runner" cartoons and now you're worried that a big rock might fall on your head, forcing you to walk around like a human-accordion for a few minutes.
22. You can't go out. It's time to bake the donuts.
23. One of the pipes in your basement is leaking and you have to keep your finger on it so that you won't waste water.
24. You've handcuffed yourself to the refrigerator. It happens.
25. There's a full moon tonight and you can't go out because you might turn into a werewolf.
26. If you go cow-tipping, you might forget the difference between "pushing" and "pulling" and the cow might fall on you and crush you. If this happens, the cows will have you at their mercy and who knows how they'll take their revenge.
27. You built a pillow-fort in the living room and you have to stay home and guard it.
28. If you leave the house, Mr. Potato Head gets lonely.
29. You might walk into a hospital, get tired, lay down somewhere to take a nap, and wake up with a baboon-liver.
30. You might accidentally step in wet cement, in which case for hundreds of years, people will be looking at your footprint, saying, "What idiot did this?"
31. You might sneeze, and it might happen to sound exactly like the mating call of the giraffe, and their might be a giraffe in the area, and then...
32. An engine might fall off an airplane and land directly in front of you. Just as you're saying to yourself, "Gee, that was close," you might get hit by a bus.
33. You don't have an American Express card and you're not supposed to leave home without it.
34. You might find yourself at an airport and just, for curiosity's sake, stick your head inside the door of the airplane and just barely get it out before the door closes, but your tie might get caught in the door, causing you to be dragged up into the air and halfway across the country, choking and gagging the whole way, until the tie finally rips in half and you plunge 50,000 feet, eventually crashing through the roof of a barn and landing softly in a pile of hay, but then the farmer might sue you for property damages, and since you don't have that kind of money, you'll have to work on his farm as an indentured servant for the next twelve years. Well, it might happen.
35. You might get a really bad haircut and have to start wearing hats, all the time. Then you might get a nick-name like "Hat Guy" or "Crazy Hat Lady."
36. You might go to the park to feed breadcrumbs to the pigeons, but then when you run out of breadcrumbs the pigeons might start a riot, pecking out the eyes of innocent park-goers until you bring them more bread.
37. You might lose a contact lens and blindly stumble around trying to find it. Then you might mistake a penny for your contact lens and put it in your eye. Then you'll wonder why everything looks like Abe Lincoln.
38. You might buy a newspaper and find that your obituary is in it. Since this is obviously a mistake, you'll have to spend the rest of the day there, telling every person who buys a paper that you're not dead.
39. You might get on an elevator with a pregnant woman, and the elevator might get stuck, and then the woman might go into labor, and you don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies, and frankly, the woman might not give a damn.
40. You can't leave the house because you would spend the day worrying whether or not you left the iron on.


  

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog".

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
     Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
      A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
     Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're
going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and
ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's
"Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask
for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called
you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would
like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from
an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters'
Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself
and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK.
That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh
of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i"
sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well,
so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer
proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you
know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye
at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise
him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best,
Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was
I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and
didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's
fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary
in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed
by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . .
action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this
time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may
be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to
get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt
that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular
intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from
some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent
orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,
say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say
"No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do
you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I
hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,
won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act
embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your
(time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."


  

13  Keeps shaking black "crystal ball," then saying, "Ask again later."
12  Tells you you're going to die but doesn't exactly know when or how.
11   Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"
10   Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
9    During seance, shouts in voice of Wolfman Jack, "Milli Vanilli will be back!"
8   Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes.'"
7   During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."
6   Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."
5   Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
4   Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
3   Easily fooled by 'Can of Snakes' gag.
2   "Ethereal Aroma of the Kindred Spirits" effect during seance only occurs after a chili-dog lunch.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Psychic Is a Phony...

1   Just keeps saying in his Mr. T voice, "My prediction: Pain!"

15    "He snapped my bra like a Concord taking off, and I was unhooked for love."
14    "Yes, she was a woman who had once been a man, but she still knew how to flutter her eyelashes as well as those other hussies."
13    "The heaving waves on the vast, ink-black ocean sent a salty spray over the proud bow of the three-masted ship, leaving beads of water on the exposed alabaster skin above the bodice of the tall, raven- haired woman who stood sobbing on the deck, her salty tears mixing with the storm-tossed sea."
12   "Skarrlett's hair was as red as my persistent canker sore."
11    "Nicolette let the silk blouse fall from her shoulders, wrapped her left leg around John and deftly cut some cheese."
10    "Robert was new at this prison thing, and he felt frightened and confused. But the moment he laid eyes on #472825994, he became a prisoner of love."
9    "Sam liked to hump."
8   "Though flanked by two swarthy state troopers, Paula found her gaze drawn to the chubby saxophonist."
7    "It was a dark and horny night."
6    "Gentle cascades of vermilion poured over Daphne's heaving, lily-white bosom. 'Call 911, Scooby,' she breathed."
5    "His flatulence reared up like a proud stallion."
4    "Miss Savannah, is there room for both of us in that hoop skirt?' Chandler mocked with a slight bow and a sweep of his top hat."
3   "Within minutes of their meeting, Representatives Beth (D-Florida) and Eric (R-Montana) lumbered into the bedroom where soon the unmistakable sounds of wet, naked bodies engaged in a sexual congress were heard."
2    "He smelled of pork. Rotting pork, in fact, and lots of it."

and the Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Opening Line...

1    "Omaha Beach, 0800 Hours: reinforcements from 2nd Panzer Korps arrive, their well-muscled young torsos glistening with man-dew."

  

10.  Women no longer mistake you for Tom Selleck.
9.   The neat "slap" sound you can make.
8.   Perfect place for daughter to put wigs when she plays hairdresser.
7.   No more hours in front of the mirror searching for the "new look."
6.   You know instantly when it starts to rain.
5.   Can always use "just a little off the top" line at barber shop.
4.   No need to wear reflective headgear while jogging at night.
3.   People call you "that guy on Star Trek."
2.   No longer tempted to use "bad hair day" excuse.

And the number 1 reason no hair can be a good thing;

1.   People stop making jokes about your face.

15 The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead
14 Black and Decker Nipple Sanders
13 Lee Press-On Nails
12 Approximo Knives
11 The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision Attachment
10 "I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!"
9 The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper ("Bucket O' Coagulant" and "Man, That's Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet" sold separately)
8  Bob Villa's "Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style" Video
7  Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver
6  Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon
5  Nine Inch Tacks
4  Monkey Wenches
3  "Crackle" buttcrack spackle - "Keeps the weather out!"
2  Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure

and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item...

1  The "Make Your Own Fertilizer!" Kit
  

1. When the priest says "God", you say "That's my name, don't wear it out".
2. Scream "Bible fight" in the middle of mass.
3. When the priest says something in latin, you reply with "Biggus Dickus".
4. Put Monopoly money in the basket.

10.   Gargamel - Most likely LSD. spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in faggy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?


9.   Olive Oil - Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.


8.   Snagglepuss - Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.


7.   He-Man - This is an easy one. I mean c'mon-he's 'roid monkey #1! "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the  stuff in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.


6. & 5.   Yogi and Boo Boo - We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at Boo Boo. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....


4.  Droopy - The number one downer abuser in Toon Land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy
is when he saw the picture of the babe.


3.  Dopey Dwarf - He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigations. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra prescriptions for Sneezy and all the guys are partaking are afloat.


2.  Daffy Duck - If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him. Might be for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky, though.


1.   Shaggy - By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Muncie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot.

1.  I prefer to remain an enigma.
2.  I have to floss my cat.
3.  the President said he might drop in.
4.  it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
5.  I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
6.  there's a disturbance in the Force.
7.  I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
8.  I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
9.  I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
10.  I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
11.  I'm in training to be a household pest.
12.  my patent is pending.
13.  I'm sandblasting my oven
14.  I'm being deported.
15.  I'll be looking for a parking space.
16.  I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
17.  my plot to take over the world is thickening.
18.  I have to fulfill my potential.
19.  I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
20.  it's too close to the turn of the century.
21.  I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
22.  my subconscious says no.
23.  I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
24.  the last time I went, I never came back.
25.  none of my socks match.
26.  people are blaming me for the Spanish American War.
27.  I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
28.  I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
29.  my chocolate appreciation class meets that night.
30.  my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
31.  I have too much guilt.
32.  there are important world issues that need worrying about.
33.  I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
34.  I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
35.  I feel a song coming on.
36.  I'm trying to be less popular.
37.  I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
38.  you know how we psychos are.
39.  my favorite commercial is on TV.
40.  I have to study for a blood test.
41.  I'm going to be old someday.
42.  I've been traded to Cincinnati.
43.  I'm observing National Apathy Week.
44.  I have to rotate my crops.
45.  my uncle escaped again.
46.  I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
47.  my palm reader advised against it.
48.  my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
49.  I have to stay home and see if I snore.
50.  I'm trying to cut down.
51.   ... well, maybe.

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
8. Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
    

1. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

2. I Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

5. Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

6. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.Oops!

7. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

8. Darn, there go the lights again...

9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

10. Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..

11. What's this and what's it doing here?

12. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

13. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

14. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

16. Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....!

18. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

19. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

20. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

21. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

22. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

23. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

24. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

25. She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

26. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

27. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now that's a drinking problem!

10. When you can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.  You fall off the floor...

13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

14. Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

15. The glass keeps missing your mouth!

16. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

17. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

18. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

19. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

20. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

21. You think the four basic food groups are caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and women.

22. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

23. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.

24. Roseanne looks good.

25. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

26. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

27. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

28. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

29. I'm as jober as a sudge.

30. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

31. You've fallen and you can't get up.

32. Hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle..

33. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!

34. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
         

1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

2. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

3. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

4. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

5. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

6. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

7. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

8. Forgot to pay his brain bill.

9. A few clowns short of a circus.

10. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

11. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

12. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

13. A few beers short of a six-pack.

14. Dumber than a box of hair.

15. A few peas short of a casserole.

16. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

17. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

18. One taco short of a combination plate.

19. A few feathers short of a whole duck.

20. All foam, no beer.

21. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

22. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

23. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

24. As smart as bait.

25. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

26. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

27. No grain in the silo.

28. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

29. Receiver is off the hook.

30. Several nuts short of a full pouch.

31. Skylight leaks a little.

32. His slinky's kinked.

33. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.

34. One curler short of a full perm.
    

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw
3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good
4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be
5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock
7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you
8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going
9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away
11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it
12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with
13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb
14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous
15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
17. Wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter
18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long
19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag
21. If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town
22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
       Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you"
       Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine
24. I look good on you
25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house
26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
28. F__k me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine
30. Excuse me, do you wanna f**k, or should I apologize?
31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away
32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question
33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy
36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot
37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long
38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala
39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me
40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams
41. The word for the night is legs, legs go back to my room and spread the word
42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, or yield?
43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long
44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room
45. Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons
46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go.... Choo choo
47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue
49. Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
       Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth
51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

     

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time someoe brekas the silence w/ a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask w/ Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could
you kick that back over here pls?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"
14. Fill a balloon w/ creamed corn. Rush into the stall w/ your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peekaboo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

New humor was added on Wednesday, October 04, 2006

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