1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2) Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

3) Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!

5) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6) Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7) Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.

8) Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9) Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11) Shopping is not a sport.

12) Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13) You have enough clothes.

14) You have too many shoes.

15) Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16) Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.

17) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18) No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19) Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20) Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23) Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25) CHECK YOUR OIL!

26) Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27) Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29) Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30) If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31) If something we said can be interpreted makes you sad and angry, we meant
the other one.

32) Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
you are?

33) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34) You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not both.

35) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36) Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37) Women wearing Wonder-bras and low-cut blouses, lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38) Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39) Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out.

There was a lady who married a banker.

The banker died, and the lady married an actor. 

When he died, the lady married a preacher. 

The preacher also died, and she married an undertaker. 

When asked about the wide range of occupations of her husbands, the lady replied, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!"

Q- How many men does it take to open a beer?
A- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A- Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q- Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A- So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A- When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q- How do you fix a woman's watch?
A- You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q- Why do men pass gas more than women?
A- Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A- The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

 "I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F. Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Jake was on his deathbed with his wife, Betsy, maintaining a steady vigil by his side.

As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Betsy," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But he was insistent.

"Betsy," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Betsy. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Betsy. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother." Betsy mustered a pained smile and stroked
his hand.

"Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said.. "Why do you think I poisoned you?" 

Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."

The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female from and frilly underwear, you are a pervert
If you don't, you are a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are up on yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.
If you are totally beat after a hard day's work, you don't give a shit about other people's needs.
If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean)


10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance").

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad).

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon).

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing).

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building).

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you).

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you).

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you).

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)...

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing).

A computer can wait forever for you.
A computer doesn't compare you with it's past users.
A computer doesn't get calls from it's past users while you're logged in.
A computer doesn't mind how excited you get.
A computer doesn't tell you how completely teriffic it's past users have been.
A computer is big in all the right places.
A computer never forgets your birthday.
A computer won't ask, "Are you in?"
A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?"
A computer won't even talk about marriage.
A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex.
A computer won't get bitchy if you're slow to respond.
A computer won't grade you on how much you send it.
A computer won't look through your checkbook.
A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones.
A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends."
A computer won't shave with your razor.
A computer's maintainance personel don't cross-examine you every time you log in.
Computers are easy to turn on.
Computers are ready when you are.
Computers are very responsive.
Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your account.
Computers do everything you tell them to.
Computers don't care about age differences.
Computers don't care if you're married.
Computers don't get pregnant.
Computers don't get upset if you use other computers.
Computers don't insist on foreplay.
Computers don't make you meet their parents.
Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend.
Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you.
Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to.
Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.
Computers never have headaches, or take rainchecks, or have a curfew, or have that time of the month.
Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends.
If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another in less than a minute.
Size doesn't count to a computer.
The average computer session lasts four hours.
With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry.
You can log into several computers at once.
You can turn off a computer.
You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be up and ready for you.
You don't have to tell computers you love them.

   

1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient".
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.

   

1. You can enjoy a BEER all month.
2. BEER stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
6. BEER is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
9. BEER labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
11. BEER never has a headache.
12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a BEER with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
19. A BEER is always wet.
20. BEER doesn't demand equality.
21. A BEER doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a BEER in public.
23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
25. BEER always comes in multiples of six.
26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.
28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. BEER looks the same in the morning.
33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month.
34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. BEER doesn't get cramps.
37. BEER doesn't have a mother.
38. BEER doesn't have morals.
39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. BEER always listens and never argues.
41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year.
42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. BEER doesn't demand legality.
45. BEER is never overweight.
46. If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards.
48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer.
49. BEER doesn't need much closet space.
50. BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. BEER never changes its mind.
54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. BEER never asks you to change the station.
56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping.
57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. BEER is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
61. BEER doesn't pout or play games.
62. BEER NEVER says no.
63. BEER is easy to get into.
64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs
66. BEER doesn't wear a bra.
67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. BEER doesn't live with its mother.
71. BEER doesn't blow you off.
72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. BEER doesn't mind football season.
75. A BEER won't make you go to church.
76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs around.
80. A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials wit babies are "cute".
81. If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
83. A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A BEER won't smoke in your car.
89. A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
93. A BEER never fishes for compliments.
94. Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. BEER tastes *good*.
96. If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
98. An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
100. A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it.
101. A BEER won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
102. A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
103. A BEER will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
104. A BEER will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
105. A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
106. A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
107. When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill.

10) More fun to complain about them to your friends.

9) Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.

8) When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?

7) You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.

6) All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.

5) Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.

4) Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills most of the time.

3) No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.

2) Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing instead of getting mad about it six months later.

1) Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much, who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any lawyers.


   

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and
you're going to want to shoot it.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!

Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it.
I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the sh-t out of you.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Why do women have breasts?
So men would talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? They
fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.

Why are women like screen doors?
Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.

Why is a woman like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.

   

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount
of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.

The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."

What should you give a man who has everything?
     A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
     To stop the snoring before it starts.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
     He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
     All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
     At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
     Exchange him.

Why do men like smart women?
     Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
     They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
     The bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
     Take your foot off of his neck.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
     So men can remember them.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
     They're both empty from the neck up.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
     We don't know, it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
     They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
     Gifted.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

"This is your brain. This is your brain on my naked thigh. Any questions?"
"Could you help me get this tie tack out of my hand?"
"Towards what end does a substantially empathetic demoiselle such as
yourself inhabit a locus such as this?"
"What say we skip this nerd-fest and hit an all-night symposium on Euclidean
Geometry?"
"It doesn't take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I'd be
overqualified."
"You'll have to excuse me -- Your presence excites me beyond all capacity
for cognitive discourse."
"Vini, Vici, Va-va-voom!"
"You must be tired, because you've been running quadratic equations through
my mind all night."
"That tape on your glasses really sets off your eyes."
"According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we
may already be making love right now."
"If I were to mention to you that you have a bellus corpus, would you take
umbrage?"
"I bet your brain stem reaches almost down to your gluteus maximus."
"Ooohh, your IQ is 145? I like 'em dumb and strong!"
"Baby, I'll have you barking like a *canis familiaris*."

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw
3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good
4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be
5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock
7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you
8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going
9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away
11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it
12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with
13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb
14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous
15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
17. Wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter
18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long
19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag
21. If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town
22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
       Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you"
       Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine
24. I look good on you
25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house
26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
28. F__k me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine
30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize?
31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away
32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question
33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy
36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot
37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long
38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala
39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me
40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams
41. The word for the night is legs, legs go back to my room and spread the word
42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, or yield?
43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long
44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room
45. Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons
46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go.... Choo choo
47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue
49. Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
       Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth
51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

New humor was added on Wednesday, October 04, 2006

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