.

The following were actually taken from classified ads:

One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN
....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed,
redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO
WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

Time is just nature's way
to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone,
but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires

I don't have a solution;
but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic,
but I can't prove it.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
But it uses up a thousand times the memory

The Meek shall inherit the earth..
...after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing
It would have been done already

Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.

HAM AND EGGS
A day's work for a chicken;
A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, If I can't be skinny,
please let all my friends be fat.

Good Health is merely the slowest
possible rate at which one can die.

THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE
So keep on going.

Confession is good for the soul,
but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with
and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

JESUS LOVES YOU
It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.

WELCOME TO UTAH
Set your watch back 20 years.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and
buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

Be nice to your kids.
They'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is
there's no background music.

I was only looking at
your nametag, honest!

When blondes have more fun
do they know it?

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared
half to death twice?

Losing a husband can be hard.
In my case it was almost impossible.

JESUS IS COMING!
Look Busy.

We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!

Two rights do not make a wrong.
They make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right,
but three lefts do.

MY WILD OATS
HAVE TURNED TO
SHREDDED WHEAT

Is reading in the bathroom considered
Multi-Tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all.
Can't remember most of it.

  If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
 
 If you break wind consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
 
 The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
 
 A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
 (In my next life I want to be...)
 
 Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
 
 Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
 (Not according to my neighbors cat)
 
 On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
 
 The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
 
 You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
 
 Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
 
 Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
 
 You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
 
 Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
 
 In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
 
 A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
 
 The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
 
 Polar bears are left handed. (Damn, they live 9 years shorter...)
 
 The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 
for
 animal having the most taste buds.
 
 The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
 
 A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
 (Creepy!)
 
 The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
 body. (typical male...never uses his head when lust is involved) The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey,I'm home.. what the...)
 
 Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  (In my next life I want to be a pig...quality over quantity)
 
 Butterflies taste with their feet.
 
 Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
 
 A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
 
 An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
 
 Starfishes haven't got brains.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family
in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're
twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 
............. 
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and
would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of
hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor
arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" 
"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc." 
................... 
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? If it had four, it would be
a chicken sedan. 

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better" replied the sailor.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and  said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are supposedly actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips. Human nature being what it is, I wouldn't doubt the authenticity of these remarks. You be the judge:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

"Need to install rest areas and bathrooms along the 3 day hike trail."

- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER
after an attempted suicide. The man had
swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a
fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises
about his head and chest he said that they were
from him ramming himself into the wall in an
attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

- A woman with shortness on breath and
who weighted approximately 500 lbs was
dragged into the ER on a tarp by six
firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out
of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass
on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to
find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam
a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch.
She became known as "The Human Couch".

- The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m.
with a complaint of belly button lint.

- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting
next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine)
that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing
with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if
there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for
AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean
like having sex with our dog?"


- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that
she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she
wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom
and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to
get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this
jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year
old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is
as clean and empty as on -- the previous day. The doctor asked what
happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried
with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but
still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right
hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with
her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still
nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both
hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You
asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we
tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that that was enough.
They could not afford a larger double-wide. So, the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more
children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure that could fix the
problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it,
put it in a beer can,then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The
redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see
how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just
about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he
realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the
man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold
it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't
be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that = ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting,
"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. 
Someone inside pokes him in the eye. 
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a  railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and
somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the
handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped
onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the
dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding,
the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several
flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the
wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had
spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the
gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage
done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on
the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped
it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the
floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the
buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the
phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched
and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on
the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the
wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned
himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of
them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the
remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now THAT is a bad day...

There was once a group of statisticians and a group of economists riding together on a train to joint meetings. All the economists had tickets, but the statisticians only had one ticket between them. Inquisitive by nature, the economists asked the statisticians how they were going to get away with such a small sample of tickets when the conductor came through. The statisticians said, "Easy. We have methods for dealing with that."

Later, when the conductor came to punch tickets, all the statisticians slipped quietly into the bathroom. When the conductor knocked on the door, the head statistician slipped their one ticket under the door thoroughly fooling the layman conductor.

After the joint meetings were over, the statisticians and the economists again found themselves on the same train. Always quick to catch on, the economists had purchased one ticket between them. The statisticians (always on the cutting edge) had purchased NO tickets for the trip home. Confused, the economists asked the statisticians "We understand how your methods worked when you had one ticket, but how can you possibly get away with no tickets?" "Easy," replied the statisticians smugly, "we have different methods for dealing with that situation." Later, when the conductor was in the next car, all the economists trotted off to the bathroom with their one
ticket and all the statisticians packed into the other bathroom. Shortly, the head statistician crept over to where the economists were hiding and knocked authoritatively on the door. As they had been instructed, the economists slipped their one ticket under the door. The head statistician took the economists' one and only ticket and returned triumphantly to the statistician group. Of course, the economists were subsequently discovered and publicly humiliated.

MORAL OF THE STORY. Do not use statistical methods unless you understand the principles behind them.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If a stealth
bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?

    

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers .

o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

o Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

o We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

o No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

o For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

o For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

o Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.

o 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

o Great Dames for sale.

o Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

o Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

o 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

o Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

o Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

o If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

o Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

o The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

o Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

o Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

o Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

o Stock up and save. Limit: one.

o Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

o We build bodies that last a lifetime.

o Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .

o This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

o For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

o For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

o Man, honest. Will take anything.

o Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

o Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

o Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

o Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

o Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

o Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

o Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

o Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

o 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

o Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

o Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

o Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

o See ladies blouses. 50% off!

o Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

o Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

o Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume generalhousekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

o Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

o Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

o Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

o And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

o We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone
maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest
man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were
buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies
a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone
walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to
remark:

"That's Strange!"

    

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company:" LOL!!

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? (no offense k? )

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac.

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from:"

I'M being fired for LACK OF PRODUCTION? Are you kidding? Why, I've won over $5,000 playing solitaire on my computer THIS WEEK ALONE! --G. Wise
& L. Aldrich

How many roads must a man go down before he will stop and ask directions?!!? --Michelle Argabrite

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. --Elayne Boosler

I've been feeling really apathetic lately. Like today -- Jimmy cracked corn, but I don't care. --Howie Mandell

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. --Hedy Lamarr

To me, the greatest book of all time is "The Bible" because of all that religious stuff in it! --Jim Rosenberg

It's a wise person who knows the difference between free speech and cheap talk. --Doug Larson

Ever notice that PRICE and WORTH mean the same thing, but priceless and worthless are opposites? --Jay Trachman

A husband is a man who wishes he had as much fun when he goes on business trips as his wife thinks he does. --Ann Landers

A dog doesn't want much and is happy to get it. A cat doesn't know what it wants and wants more of it. --Richard Hexem

Remember that as a teen-ager, you are in the last stage of your life where you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

We act as though comforts and luxury were the chief requirements in life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about. --Charles Kingsley

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. --Gilda Radner

Life is not a laughing matter -- but you can imagine having to live with laughing? --Leonid Sukhorukov

It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone. --Andy Rooney

People who think they are thinking, are merely rearranging their prejudices. --J Parodi, late 20th c philosopher

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? --Linda Ellerbee

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a
cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse,
took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette
and continued to smoke.


Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that
you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a
condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the
cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the
pharmacy.


When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold
condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that
this old woman was interested in condoms. He asked her, "What size do
you want?"


The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a
Camel."

    

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them ... twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."

Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and
bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely
horrified...


"Only twenty years of normal sex life?" Yet, the Lord was adamant
and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal
sex life.

Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But, I
don't need twenty years," protested the monkey. "Ten years is plenty for me."


Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?" The monkey graciously
agreed.

Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion,
like the monkey, only wanted ten years.


Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other ten years?" The lion
graciously agreed.

Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But,
like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man
pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"
And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of
normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion
about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe
yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh
was an avid gardener and tennis player.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent
years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by
those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was
a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and
another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
    

Art,       I'm a museum curator.
Chuck,    I'm a butcher.
  Gene,      I'm a DNA researcher.
   Curt and Rod, we are in the drapery business.
   Will,       I'm a lawyer.
     Sue.        I'm also a lawyer.
     Mary.     I'm a justice of the peace.
      Phillip,    I'm a service station attendant.
      Bill.        I run a collection agency
       Grant,     I would be a loan officer.
       Bill.        I run a collection agency.
      Mike.      I'm an announcer
      Toni.       I'm a hair dresser.
     Gail.       I'm a meteorologist
   John.      I'm a plumber
  Herb.      I'm a cook.
Stu.        I also cook.
Wade,     I'm in swimming pool maintenance.
  Rob.        I'm a thief.
   Woody.    A Forester.
    Les          I'm a dietician
     Harry.     I'm a barber.
      Iris.        I'm an optomotrist
       Teddy      I'm in lingerie
         Carol.      I sing during the holidays.
         Bea.          I'm in the honey business..
         Hugh.        I'm a painter.
       Jim           I train boxers
       Brigham    I'm a chauffeur
       Dean        A college chancellor
     Nat and Bea. We are entomologist2
    Bud.         I'm in flowers.
And I'm Rose. I'm a gardener.
Clarence,   I specialize in end-of-season inventory closeout sales.
Manuel,     I write intruction books.
Ruby and Pearl. We're jewelers.
  Marshall.    I'm a peace officier.
  Gil.             I'm a fisherman.
  Avery.        I raise birds.
   Cliff.          I'm a mountaineer.
    Sherry.       I'm a wine-master.
    Cary.           I'm a porter.
    Barry.         I'm an undertaker.
     Chevy and Mercedes. We are car dealers.
      Abbie.         I'm a Mother Superior.
       Belle.            I play the carillon.
        Candy.          I'm a confectioner.
         Jack.            I'm a banker.
          Dick.            I'm a plain-clothes policeman.
          Bet.              I'm a coupier.
           Leo.             A lion trainer.
            Ham.            I raise pigs
          Otto.           I'm a car mechanic.
          Herald.        I'm a messenger.
         Ray.            I'm a roentgenologist.
         Faith.          I'm a minister.
        Bart.          I drive a bus.
       Frank,       the Hot-Dog vendor
      Holly,        I'm a holiday decorator
    Shelly,      I'm an expert on mollusks
    Rich,         A successful investment banker.
   Brooks.     I'm an irrrigation consultant.
  Tom.         I bred cats.
  Lute.        I'm a musician.
Tellie.     A gossip columnist
Victor,    and I'm a winner in everything I do.


Submitted by . . .kegel @fea.net

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

    

Cartoon Law I : Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III: Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.


Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they
exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV: The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V: All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce
motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never
touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI: As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII: Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX: Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X: For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment A: A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B: The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will.  For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C: Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D: Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E: Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding.  A big bang indeed.

    

a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's.
b) Computers know everything.
c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything.
d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info.

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag
of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the
bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After
much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the
president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank
president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his
desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so
much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady
replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of
bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a
stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady
challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little
old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved,
may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side
to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was
sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that
he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the
little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed
with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so
they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady
peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel
them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so
I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that
the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The
president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your
lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at
10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my
hand."

New humor was added on Wednesday, October 04, 2006

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