The Creation Story as told by a dog.
Why Kittens Are Better Than Babies
Smart Dog
New business
The Difference Between Dogs and Cats
What the dogs have taught me
Fat Fly
NATIONAL DOG WEEK DOGGIE PLEDGE
The 12 Days of Puppy

Sung to the tune of 'The 12 Days of Christmas'

On the first day of puppy
The little dear made wee
On the carpeting in the hallway

On the second day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway

On the third day of puppy
The little dear made wee
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway

On the fourth day of puppy
the little dear made wee
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway

On the fifth day of puppy
The little dear made wee
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway

On the sixth day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway

On the seventh day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway

On the eighth day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Where you'd least expect it
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway

On the ninth day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Just around the corner
Where you'd least expect it
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway

On the tenth day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Where we`ll never find it
Just around the corner
Where you'd least expect it
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway

On the eleventh day of puppy
The little dear made wee
Beneath the table
Where we`ll never find it
Just around the corner
Where you'd least expect it
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway

On the twelfth day of puppy
the little dear made wee
ON THE COUCH SOMEHOW
Beneath the table
Where we`ll never find it
Just around the corner
Where you'd least expect it
Halfway up the stairs
Beside his food dish
RIGHT IN MY SHOE!
Across the kitchen floor
On my lap
Underneath our tree
On the carpeting in the hallway!

I will not play tug-of-war with my owner's underwear when he's or she is on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, birds, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons, pens, or lipsticks, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are my owner's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for my owner's driver's license & car registration.

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Veterinarians have evening hours.

Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.

Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.

Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath in a month.

You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you're going to finance your kitten's college education.

No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.

No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.

Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.

No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

You only have to change the litter box once a day.

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth.  The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.  The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?  This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Did you hear about the Veterinarian and the Taxidermist who combined their business? Their slogan:


"Either way you get your pet back."

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
                   They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
                   I must be a God!

Daily Routine
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.

I. Mealtime

1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

II. Everything Else
1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for
a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety

A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly.  If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.

5. Recreation and Leisure

A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.

a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.

B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.

6. Health


A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.

   

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a
pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours
since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate
and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly
away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.

As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork
leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and
jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to
take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock,
splatting when he hit the floor.

The moral to the story is:
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

New humor was added on Wednesday, October 04, 2006

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