Quickies
Comic Thoughts
AGE HAPPENS
GROUCHO MARX HAD SOME OF THE BEST LINES.....
A Few Good Lines
Did ya ever just wonder
Reflections from Steve Wright
Cowboy Logic
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT LANGUAGE

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Jesus loves you .....but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I don't suffer from insanity ..... I enjoy every minute of it!

If ignorance is bliss ..... then you must be orgasmic!

Jesus is coming ..... everyone look busy.

Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them.

A cat almost always blinks when you hit them in the head with a ball peen hammer.

I got a gun for my wife ..... best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist ....... isn't that cute?

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.

Earth is the mental ward for the Universe.

Horn broken - watch for finger.

My kid beat-up your honor student.

Keep honking .... I'm reloading.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

Hang up and drive!

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Warning ! Driver only carries $20.00 of ammunition.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy ..... other times I let her sleep.

I want to die like my Grampa - in my sleep. Not yelling and screaming
like his passengers .....

Montana - at least our cows are sane!

Guns don't kill people ...... Postal Workers do!

I didn't fight my way to the head of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot!

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne
Boosler

"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit
out on myself." --Judy Tenuta

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?" --John Mendoza

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to
find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I
actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I
think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita
Mae Brown

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I
think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific." --Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a
weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's
go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon.
Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' " --Jerry
Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be
eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you.  He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

>From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

   

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Smith & Wesson -- the original point and click interface.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!

A good pun is it's own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

   

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?

The light went out, but where to ?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress?

Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?

What if C-A-T really spelled DOG?

How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"?

What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?

If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn't it become squozen?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Is Marvin Gaye?

What makes Stevie Wonder?

Is Debbie Harry?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

The light went out, but where to?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

- Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
- There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
- If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
- Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
- It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
- Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
- Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.
- When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
- Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
- Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
- A smart a** just doesn't fit in a saddle.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazyman" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 

New humor was added on Wednesday, October 04, 2006

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