BLAMESTORMING -- sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

BEEPILEPSY -- The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their
beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical
spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

CUBE FARM -- an office filled with cubicles.

EGO SURFING -- scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking for
references to one's own name.

PRAIRIE DOGGING -- something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

IDEA HAMSTERS -- people who always seem to have their idea generators
running.

MOUSE POTATO -- the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.

OHNOSECOND -- that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
you've just made a big mistake.

SITCOM -- stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

STRESS PUPPY -- a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

DILBERTED -- To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from
the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.
"I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."

CGI JOE -- A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills
and charisma of a plastic action figure.

DORITO SYNDROME -- Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered
by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent
six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito
Syndrome."

UNDER MOUSE ARREST -- Getting busted for violating an on-line service's
code of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under
mouse arrest."

GLAZING -- Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular
pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice
that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

DEAD TREE EDITION -- The paper version of a publication available in
both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the
San Francisco Chronicle..."

GRAYBAR LAND -- The place you go while you're staring at a computer
that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar
creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like
hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

OPEN-COLLAR WORKERS -- People who work at home or telecommute.

SQUIRT THE BIRD -- To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and
talent are ready... what time do we squirt the bird?"

BRAIN FART -- A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information
effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on
the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik
bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative
connotations.

COBWEB SITE -- A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long
time. A dead web page.

IT'S A FEATURE -- From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used
sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to
gloss over.

KEYBOARD PLAQUE -- The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on
computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one
has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

ALPHA GEEK -- The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in
an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

ADMINISPHERE -- The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

GRAY MATTER -- Older, experienced business people hired by young
entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

SALMON DAY -- The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed in the end.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT -- an outside expert brought in to reduce the
employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

404 -- someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning the requested document couldn't be located.
Don't bother asking him, he's 404.

ELVIS YEAR -- the peak year of something's popularity, Barney the
dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.

16. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe."

15. Your workday consists of coming in at 10, thinking up Top Five entries with 30 of your coworkers, then leaving at 4.

14. Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."

13. Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."

12. Company softball team downsized to chess team.

11. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.

10. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "Show your cubicle."

9. Company President now driving a Hyundai.

8. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.

7. Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.

6. Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.

5. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters

4. Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.

3. Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Attic.

2. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.

And the Number 1 Sign Your Company Is Planning A Layoff...

1. President begins weekly meetings, "Good morning, you ignorant bastards."

Well, I suppose everyone's heard about last week's incident by now, and
you probably have a pretty low opinion of us survivors. And, all things
considered, perhaps we deserve it. Perhaps we panicked and resorted to
cannibalism a bit early. But you weren't there. You don't know what it
was like. I just want you to hear our side of the story before you go
judging us.

When the six of us got into the elevator on that fateful day, we had no
idea what was going to happen. We thought we were just going to take a
little ride from the 12th floor to the lobby, just like every other
day. Do you think we knew that elevator was going to get stuck between
floors? Do you think we got into the elevator saying, "Hey, you know,
we should eat our good old pal Jerry Weinhoff from Accounts Payable"?
Of course not.

During those first few minutes after the elevator car lurched to a stop
somewhere between the seventh and eighth floors, we were still civilized
human beings. Everyone kept his cool. We tried pushing the emergency
button. We called out for help. We even banged on the door a little
bit. Nothing worked. Still, we figured, "No big deal, someone will
notice that the elevator's stuck, and this thing will start back up any
second." Morale was generally high. John and Peter actually cracked
some jokes, if you can believe that.

Maybe it started there, the hysteria. Maybe we should have known. But,
at some point, when the voices went away, and pushing the buttons
continued to have no effect, it started to look a lot less like we were
going to have a funny story to tell our kids and a lot more like they'd
never hear from us again.

It does something to a person to think that. You confront your own
mortality for the first time. You become savage, brutal. One word
enters your mind: survive. Survive!

I have no idea how long we'd been marooned when we started edging toward
Jerry. Twenty, thirty minutes, time has little meaning when you're in a
situation like that. It wasn't a spoken decision, either. We just all
looked at each other and knew something had to be done.

It might have been an animal act, but it had a certain logic. Jerry
lived alone and had nobody special in his life -- no kids, no wife or
girlfriend, and his parents had died a long time ago. And, most
important, he was the biggest. We figured there was enough meat on him
to keep the rest of us alive for days, maybe weeks.

Peter held him down while I tore at his forearm with my teeth. Not
surprisingly, Jerry resisted. He struggled ferociously and shouted,
"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" But he knew exactly what we were
doing: We were doing whatever it took to survive.

Eventually, we were able to knock Jerry out. And, as for what we did
next, I'm sure you've read about it in the papers. Maybe it was
savage. Maybe it was an animal act. But human teeth are pointed and
sharp in front for a reason. Besides, we had no way of knowing that, at
that very moment, an Otis Elevator repairman was working to free us. We
only knew that we were between floors, and that it had been more than
five hours since we'd had lunch.

The veneer of civilization is thin. Civilization depends upon people
acting in a reasonable manner and obeying certain universal laws. But
civilization also depends upon that cruise ship staying afloat. It
depends upon that airliner passing safely over the Arctic Circle. And
it depends upon that elevator continuing smoothly down to the lobby of
the Hadley Insurance Building.

Am I sorry about what I did? Of course. Taking a life is never easy.
But sometimes we have little choice.

When I finally got home from work that day, some 50 minutes late, my
youngest daughter Kellie ran up to me and gave me a big hug. She said,
"Daddy, I'm glad you're home." Daddy, I'm glad you're home. It was at
that moment I knew I'd done the right thing.

To: All Employees

From: Mary (Human Resources)

Re: Elevator Safety

Yes, it is time again for one of those profound memos from the Human
Resource Department. You may be aware of the fact that several people
were stuck in the elevator today. Apparently, the cause was due to the
elevator being overloaded. As a result, I put together a list of
recommendations which will help improve elevator safety.

1. Do not allow more than 9 to 10 people to travel in the elevator with
you.

2. Make sure you have gone to the bathroom prior to riding the elevator.

3. As a courtesy to all the people that are riding the elevator with
you, refrain from eating beans for breakfast or lunch.

4. Wait for the next elevator in the event that Judy, Janet or Tammy are
going to ride. Judy and Janet are claustrophobics, and Tammy just
panics about everything. In the event that you decide to ride with any
combination of these three ladies, I hope you know CPR.

5. If you find it absolutely necessary to get stuck in the elevator,
please punch out.

All kidding aside, please follow the first suggestion. It is important
to ensure your safety.

Page yourself over the intercom (Don't disguise your voice).

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss
is a different gender than you are.).

Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send Email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For
example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Hi-lite your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you
did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "palmolive."

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting
for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting
eat five entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your E-mail address be "Zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.corrl".

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with
that.

Send emailt to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the
direction of one of your company's products. Foward the email to a co-worker
and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.
Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish
tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch
in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc... in the lunchroom,
when people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach,
and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put DECAF coffee in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to EXPRESSO.

Gross pay: $1222.02

Income Tax     Outgo Tax     State Tax      Interstate Tax
   $244.40        $45.21            $61.10             $5.89

County Tax     City Tax     Rural Tax     Back Tax
     $6.11             $12.22       $4.44           $1.11

Front Tax      Side Tax     Up Tax      Down Tax
$1.16                $1.61           $2.22         $1.11

Tic-Tacs     Thumbtacks     Carpet Tacks      Stadium Tax
$1.98             $3.93               $0.98                 $0.69

Flat Tax    Surtax      Ma'am Tax      Parking Fee
$8.32        $3.46        $2.60                $5.00

No Parking Fee        F.i.c.a.      T.g.i.f.        Life Ins.
    $10.00                  $81.88     $9.95         $5.85

Health Ins.    Disability    Ability     Liability  Ins.
$16.23            $2.50          $0.25         $3.41

Dental Ins.   Mental Ins.    Reassurance.      Coffee
  $4.50           $4.33               $0.11              $6.85

Coffee Cups    Calendar     Floor Rental      Chair Rental
$66.51             $3.06            $16.85              $4.32

Desk Rental   Union Dues      Union Dont's      Cash Advances
$4.32            $5.85                  $3.77                 $0.69

   Cash       Retreats        Overtime/Undertime        Eastern Time
$121.35     $1.26                   $54.83                        $9.00

Central Time     Mountain Time      Pacific Time      GMT
       $8.00                $7.00                  $6.00         $24.00

Bathroom Time    Time Out           Oxygen              Water
      $4.44            $12.21                $10.02              $16.54

Electricity   Heat       Air Conditioning
   $38.23      $51.42     $46.83

Misc
    $144.38

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

(This is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from...)

Letter of Recommendation -

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Project Leader



A MEMO WAS SOON SENT, FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second line
(i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7,9, ..) for my true assessment of him.

Regards,
Project Leader

* You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is a medical emergency.

* You have four categories of patients; urgent, emergent, non-emergent, and S.I.O. (sleeping it off.)

* You've ever entered a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk."

* You refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors."

* You've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of shots."

* You stare at someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually covers his or her mouth when coughing.

* You've ever thought "as long as he's got a pulse, I won't worry about that rhythm."

* You've ever referred to a body bag as a "To Go" bag.

* You can identify the "P.I.D. shuffle" at a distance of 15 feet and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 20.

* You've identified the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke; (get someone drunk, then take them to the ER and announce that they've overdosed on "some kind of pills" just prior to arrival.)

* You think of chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola and the cafeteria's frozen yogurt when anyone mentions the 4 food groups.

* You've ever heard the radio report from the ambulance and sadly put the morgue bag on the cart before the patient arrives.

* You think that the announcement of an impending arrival in 5 minutes of two adults in a serious MVA on back boards with sirens on and anxiety at level 10 would be a great opportunity to eat lunch... (and you know that this is more time than you usually get.)

* You have ever heard triage nurse first ask, "Is it urgent?" when interrupted from the first break in hours.

* You feel that you can diagnose passersby at the mall based on physical presentation.

* You don't have to ask "frequent flyers" any medical history questions because you can fill it out from memory.

* You can keep a straight face as the patient responds "I just had two beers."

* You automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have daily.

* You give the local drunks tips on where to sleep so they (and you) won't be disturbed by a return visit.

During dinner today, I heard three people beside me talking. They
complained about their boss who didn't give them the money for the
things they needed:

A: We wanted some flowers for the offices, but he said he couldn't spend
$300 for this...

B: Well, we needed a new mirror for the cloakroom, but he said he
couldn't approve the credit.

C: So what did you do?

B: We rewrote the form: "1 Human Reflector, 80x40 cm." He signed it
without a question.

Given the choice, most business travelers would rather sit next to a co-worker than the boss on flights as long as their colleagues do not talk too much. Of business travelers expressing a preference, 58% said they would not mind sitting next to the boss, but 87% preferred a fellow employee as a seatmate, according to the survey commissioned by United Airlines' Shuttle by United. Younger travelers want to be farthest from the boss, the survey of 1,000 business travelers by Louis Harris and Associates showed. 54% of travelers between the ages of 18 and 29 strongly favored a seat far from the boss.

InfoBeat, Jan 29, 1998 <news@infobeat.com>

1.   In my organization, if you're not part of the problem, you're working
without supervision.

2.   Posted on my Boss's door: "Beware. Age and treachery always triumph
over youth and talent."

3.   During a performance review, I told my Boss that I was qualified for
promotion. He agreed. He then said, "You have a problem, though. All
of the managers who can verify your ability have retired."

4.   I am a very qualified graduate student looking for temporary work.
My employment prospects look dim, however. I was turned down by a
temporary agency because I don't have "serious" hair.

5.   In the interest of bettering my career, my Boss offered the following
analysis, "It is sad to say, but in today's corporate world, you can be
incompetent, and you can be stupid, but you can't be negative."

6.   After hiring a consultant to evaluate pay equity and spending well
above $100,000 on the study, our President determined that only $8,750
remained to make salary adjustments.

7.   I am working on a multi-year project and my Boss asked for a project
update. I told him I was ahead of schedule and about to finish testing,
early." He replied, "Wrong answer, then what will you do?"

8.   The place where I work is like a river barge stuck on a sand bar with
a hole in it below the water line. It isn't pretty, but it's
functional. It isn't going anywhere, but it's not going to sink.

9.   The company I work for recently merged my office with another office
in another state. For months, management had denied this was going to
happen, despite the fact that all new hires were being told by the Human
Resources Department to expect a move in the next six months, when this
office closed down!

10.   In government, there are three ways of doing things; the right way,
the wrong way, and the government way.
  

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the salesperson, "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.

"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded. He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

"How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.

"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.

"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"

"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more. Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"

"Five dollars," was the familiar response.

"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."

You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.


You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.


You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.


When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.


You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.


You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.


You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

Notice to all asscociates.  Please see new job codes below:

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.  Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:

5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Time Sheet
5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Myself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)
5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610)
5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610)
5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323)
5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)
5605 Bitching about Personal Problems
5610 Searching for a New Job
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5701 Not Actually Present at Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls
6206 Gossiping
6207 Planning a Social Event
6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job
6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers
6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring at Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)
7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400)
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use

I never realized that single females had it even tougher than us guys when a new boss takes over.   I overheard one secretary tell another:    "The boss has had his eye on me all week. I don't know whether to act interested or busy."

As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials.  In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.

The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.

When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -- and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.

The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in
his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her,
he told me not to worry. He would take care of it.
Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out -- directing us that
no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
used in company memos.

A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created
my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Sign outside brothel: On Vacation. Beat it.

(Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle)

It's okay...I'm still billing the client.

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter, not harder.

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and invisioning a new paradigm!"

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

I'm in the management training program.

Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last manditory seminar your boss made you attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

Damn! Why did you interupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broke....Someone must've put decafe in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?

I was cross-training for telecommuting.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lense without hands.

The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.

New humor was added on Wednesday, October 04, 2006

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